Anonymous asked: Why can't people be competent when writing fanfiction?
Goodness! Such a broad and sweeping question has no simple answer.
Though the Captain, like most fanfiction authors, has no formal qualifications in the realm of literature or narrative expertise, many a time has that mighty cranium been turned to the craft of derivative fiction! Although Captain Manners fondly recalls every work to leave the Patent Manners Upside-Down Fountain Pen, of particular note are the Captain’s works on the moon landing, Winnie-the-Pooh, and Gone With The Wind.
The Captain also modestly admits to having been a bit of a BNF in the heyday of the geology fandom, but we’re quite sure we don’t want to open up that can of worms all over again!
Ultimately, the Captain personally finds it most rewarding to remember that fanfiction is a leisure activity which is undertaken for fun, and not profit.
Anonymous asked: Why are you so moe?
The Captain goes by many names; however, Moe is not one of them.
Anonymous asked: Why are people so complicated, and what can I do about it?
The Captain has it on good authority that a Human Simplification Ray will be invented some time in the next ten to twenty years. Until then, we will have to endure the foibles and complexities of our fellow humans – but take solace in the knowledge that other races of sapient creatures are doubtless every bit as difficult to comprehend as we are!
Anonymous asked: Why don't you upload a portrait photo? Or do you prefer to remain anonymous?
Why, the Captain is not anonymous at all! One may learn more about the esteemed Captain Manners here. However, the Captain’s visage is not made public here as we should not like to have to accept responsibility for the untoward swooning it would inevitably cause.
We have, of course, thought about uploading a non-literal representation that captures the essence of the Captain’s character: a gleaming monocle, for example, or the taut haunches of a jungle cat. But with a personality so varied – some might even say eccentric, but not, of course, with disrespect – as that of the Captain, it is very difficult to pick just one thing!
Anonymous asked: Fight or flight?
Ah, a true question for the ages, and one which is really best solved by remembering to bring your rifle with you when you take an excursion in your dirigible.
Anonymous asked: Are you still updating?
At this precise moment it would be correct to report that the Captain is indeed updating, although, at the time this question was posed, this was clearly not the case. The Captain was, you see, called away on urgent business –- we are not at liberty to divulge the precise details of this expedition, but we can tell you that it involved massed ranks of bloodthirsty jaguars.
The Captain has since returned, and will shortly resume the task of answering your inquiries with the diligence and wit you have every right to expect.
Anonymous asked: so i herd u liek mudkips
You are not mistaken; the Captain’s favourite, however, is the Grass-type.
Anonymous asked: Dear Captain Manners, I am utterly overwhelmed by difficult lessons and attempts to find gainful employment. Any tidbits of wisdom you could offer on reducing stress would be most appreciated. Even a mantra will do; I'm getting somewhat desperate, and my sleeping habits are suffering from it. I'd prefer to abstain from pharmaceutical intervention, as I happen to be allergic to most sleeping pills. Suffocation is not conducive to a good night's rest, as I'm sure you're aware.
Even a Distinguished Gentleperson of Captain Manners’ stature is now and then overwhelmed by stress; when this occurs the Captain has found the following methods most successful in relieving this condition, depending on the specifics of the situation:
- - find a small animal that is not venomous and which will not bite, or struggle, or soil you, and pet it continuously;
- - take some time off to explore a mountain, an island, the depths of a rainforest, &c., that has yet to be conquered by human ingenuity (a particular favourite of the Captain’s);
- - purchase or concoct a favourite comestible and enjoy it either slowly or quickly according to your preference;
- - weep quietly into the textile of your choice;
- - locate an inanimate object which you dislike and shout profanities at it, or hurl it angrily at or off something;
- - listen to the song of the whales.
Anonymous asked: Why is school work so frustrating?
Ah, a subjective problem if ever there were one! Why precisely it is frustrating in your case is a question even the Captain cannot answer – the Patent Manners Binoculars, though significant in their scope, can see only so far – but the ultimate root of this problem lies with most educational systems’ insistence on demanding the same things of all students without taking into account their individual needs.
To make the best of your situation, perhaps you might pick an animal or plant you find particularly pleasing or humorous – elephants, for example, or horse chestnut trees – and find entertaining ways to work them into your work. If this does not appeal, you might consider abandoning academia to obtain a different sort of education in the wilderness. The Captain once spent five years living among the gorillas and considers the experience more fruitful, in many senses of the word, than any traditional schooling could be.
Anonymous asked: I wish that I had Jessie's girl. Where can I find a woman like that?
A difficult predicament indeed, and one that some would imagine might be solved by hoping that the girl in question had an identical twin, or by conspiring to have her cloned. But one must always remember that genetic material cannot fully dictate an individual’s personality, and we would hate to assume, Anonymous, that your affections for the young lady go only as far as that body.
If you are not willing to wait in the hope that she will stop watching him with those eyes, you may have to settle for seeking a woman who is only a bit like that. Do not worry; it is likely there are plenty.
